Dear Gumtree W**ker,
Do you recall how we emailed all week about my fridge? Remember when you said you would be here at 10.00am? Are you aware that when you do tw**ty things like NOT SHOWING UP, it effects other people? You wouldn’t know this, but my husband has been away for work all week. That means I have had a frazzled brain and the aura of a woman ON THE EDGE for the previous six days from looking after 1 year old twins by myself. To be frank, you’re lucky that I don’t have the energy to hunt you down and make you PAY for making me unnecessarily prepare for your arrival (and the fridge for that matter – I was looking forward to getting a bit of space back in my garage and forty quid in my pocket). Because of you Gumtree W**ker, this is how my morning went:
8.00am Got girlies up. Changed nappies. Quickly carried them downstairs.
8.15am Speed-feed them breakfast. Fought with them until they let me wipe their peanut butter covered faces. Gave them milk.
8.40am Removed Weetabix encrusted pyjamas. Changed both nappies AGAIN (little stinkers!) Dressed them.
8.55am Put babies in baby cage. Put camera on. Had super-quick shower.
9.10am Picked out trousers and a top from the floordrobe. Put make up on. (Don’t want to ‘scare the horses’.) Ran downstairs.
9.30am Notice naked child in baby cage. Remove the trousers from Girlie One’s neck. Found nappy in corner of baby cage. Put nappy and trousers back on Girlie Two.
9.45am Run to garage to give fridge a quick clean and move to nearer the front, past the excessive number of boxes of baby stuff and other white goods for sale. Felt sweaty and ready for another shower.
9.55am Stood by kitchen window looking out as doorbell has conveniently stopped working. (It does is every month or so. I swear it does it for attention. “Nobody appreciates me and the important role I play in this house.”)
10.00am YOU don’t arrive as arranged.
10.19am I send message: ‘My house is located opposite the big tree. The doorbell stopped working yesterday and therefore I am looking out for you at my kitchen window.’ What I’m really saying is ‘You have inconvenienced me massively and I want you to know it without me actually having to call you a knob.’ This is when you had the opportunity to reply ‘Oh, I’m so sorry that I am a selfish pillock, but I have decided not to turn up as my refrigeration needs have changed.’ But, no. No, you didn’t.
10.31am Next email: ‘I need to put my twin babies down for their nap, so if you arrive in the next 20 minutes, you might have to wait a little bit’. Yes F**ker – you now know that I have twins. It’s hard work, makes every process a LOT longer and you’re making it a whole lot harder.
11.17am Final email: ‘Are you still coming to buy the fridge? I have plans so I can’t stay in waiting for you all day.’ Maybe my plans involve a friend coming over for lunch (so I’ll still be here) and then meeting my NCT crew for a playdate. But YOU don’t know my situation. I could be due to receive my knighthood…or about to be interviewed to replace Fearne Cotton on Radio One. You may have just ruined my chances to meet Prince Harry or Nick Grimshaw. (Both seem like they’d be great fun and DEFINITELY be my friends if I were royal or famous.)
11.30pm. I have accepted my fate. Due to YOU being an entitled and arrogant excuse for a human being, I am no longer destined to be friends with Harry or Nick. PLUS I still have white goods in the garage and no extra cash to blow on chocolate, trashy celeb magazines or someone else’s second hand junk on Gumtree.
So, anyone want to buy a fridge?