Welcome to the Hotel Toddler

Welcome to the Hotel Toddler.

We hope that you will have the most enjoyable stay with us. Let us walk you through what you can expect from your Hotel Toddler experience…

Wake up refreshed in your handmade cot (well, it was flat pack), nice and cosy in your 2.5 tog gro bag. Although it seems that you are alone, the state of the art camera in the room (that cost a small fortune) ensures that our staff will immediately respond to any of your requirements. Anything you need will be provided by calling room service. No demand is too big or small. Simply cry out and within minutes your butler will arrive.

Your butler will pick you up for a comforting cuddle before providing a professional cleaning service to ensure you are feeling your best for your first meal of the day. Make your way through to our breakfast room. The Butler will be delighted to assist you by carrying you to the comfortable highchair. If you so wish, you may be given a maraca to shake whilst you wait for your waitress to bring you food. Our waitress is very attentive and will chat to you throughout the entire process. For your pleasure and delight, the hotel cat will often make an appearance through the cat flap. He expects you to squeal your hello. He may even wander over and make you giggle as he rubs his head against your toes.

Porridge will be fed to you, spoonful by spoonful. If you fancy hitting the spoon out of Mummy’s hand in order to create a mess in the kitchen, that’s fine. No problem. There are no clean up charges here. Perhaps we can interest you in some finger food? If that is agreeable you have the choice of fingers of toast or perhaps pieces of banana? At Hotel Toddler we highly recommend the banana as it is more suitable for squashing and playing with. No need to eat it. Just have fun. If you don’t like the look of something, please indicate your disgust (or fascination of gravity) by dropping it on the floor. Slowly and deliberately is preferable, especially if it something that our 24 hour chefs have lovingly made for you.

The sommelier recommends the ‘Chateauneuf du Lait 2015’. (Bottle of milk.) Don’t worry about holding it yourself, our team of (1) staff will be happy to hold it whilst you play with your feet. (This appears to only apply to my girls and I’m still not quite sure why?!?)

Your personal shopper has selected a suitable outfit for you in accordance with the temperature and weather. Just lay back and relax whilst we attempt to put trousers onto your wriggling body. If you fancy rolling onto your tummy in the middle of the procedure, that is your prerogative.

During your stay at Hotel Toddler you will be treated to a personal chauffeur who is happy to strap you into your car seat and take you wherever you please. May we suggest a local baby group? There are many to choose from and almost everyone will include the very popular ‘Row, row, row your boat…’

Lunch, afternoon tea (rice cakes) and dinner will all be served back at Hotel Toddler. If we have had the audacity of giving you something that you really enjoyed during your previous stay, please don’t feel that you should enjoy it again. The staff are fully trained to ensure that they never rest on their laurels and assume that they understand your requirements. They embody customer service. You are welcome to test this to your maximum ability.

At the end of the day a warm bubble filled bath will be drawn for you, complete with rubber ducks, turtle shape sorters and pirate ships that squirt water. If you feel that you need more bath time companions we can also offer Colin the crab, Percy the penguin, the other penguin, two waterproof books and a big orange fish, amongst other things. Sometimes this is not quite entertaining enough and therefore we invite you to knock every bottle of shampoo/bubble bath/facial wash/conditioner/shower gel (that doesn’t actually belong to you) into the bath with you.

What better way to end the day than with some classic literature? Hotel Toddler boasts a vast collection of books. If you wish to play with the label on a cuddly toy or poke your sister in the eye rather than listen to the story that your personal story teller is reading (in hilarious multiple voices), we welcome this.

As you drift off to sleep we would like to remind you that we offer 24 hour room service. No matter what time it is, we are here for you.

We hope that you enjoy your stay.


The Hotel Toddler Team (aka Mummy x).

Life Love and Dirty Dishes


  1. Corine Nicholson · April 22, 2015

    This Is so spot on. Enjoying reading your posts. Looking forward to more x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. TwinMumAmongstOtherThings · April 23, 2015

    Thank you for the comment Corine. 🙂 I LOVE writing about living life with little monsters, so I’m pleased that someone other than family likes reading it too! x


  3. Lifeloveanddirtydishes · June 20, 2015

    Love love love this. I’m reading it in the Marks and Spencers ad voice! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics


  4. TwinMumAmongstOtherThings · June 23, 2015

    Ha ha! Life would be better if we all read stuff in the M&S foodporn voice! x


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